A Conservative View

Praying that Donald Trump can save Americas freedoms!

Archive for the tag “Happy New Year”

MERRY CHRISTMAS ANYWAY!

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So, I met with my lawyer yesterday and on his advice, I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that our country is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the recipient.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message. However, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced. Happy ______ … whatever floats your boat!

Anon

Thanks Dr. Forrest for sharing this message and let me wish everyone a very Happy New Year.  C Brewer

GRANDPARENTS’ ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE:

I hope every grandparent alive gets to read this. If anyone who knows me ever wondered why I choose to move away on Christmas day 22 years ago, this might explain the reason. I was lucky to have one granddaughter, Alyssa Stone, who was born shortly before I retired 20 years ago that spent every possible day with us from the time she was three until she got her first car at 16. I got to spend more time with her than any of my seven children. I am blessed to have 40 now in my family and I wish all of them and you a very Merry Christmas. Clyde Brewer  

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp.

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 4 in order of “birth date” so we know who you are.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theater, start talking, we are listening!

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.

They like other peoples.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves, birds and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on ‘cracks.’

They don’t say, ‘Hurry up.’

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents   don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like ‘Why isn’t God married?’ and ‘How come dogs chase cats?’

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted badly.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON’T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!     

It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Send this to other grandparents, almost grandparents, or heck, send it to everyone. It may make their day.

ANON

Post Navigation