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Archive for the tag “humor”

MORALS TEST

Are you as moral as you think you are?

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your answer needs to be honest.                                                       

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.  There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.  You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster.  The situation is nearly hopeless.  You’re trying to shoot career-making photos.  There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.  Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a black man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.  Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It’s Barrack Obama!  At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Barrack Obama or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world’s most powerful socialist Muslim men hell bent on the destruction of America.

THE QUESTION:

Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer.  “Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?”

Thanks Lonnie,  ANON

HOME SCHOOLING – WHEN WE WERE YOUNG!

1. My mother taught me to appreciate a “JOB WELL DONE.” “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me “RELIGION.” “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about “TIME TRAVEL.” “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me “LOGIC.” “Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me “MORE LOGIC.” “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me “FORESIGHT.” “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My father taught me “IRONY.” “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of “OSMOSIS.” “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about “CONTORTIONISM.” “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck”

10. My mother taught me about “STAMINA.” “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about “WEATHER.” “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about “HYPOCRISY.” “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My father taught me the “CIRCLE OF LIFE.” “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about “BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.” “Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about “ENVY.” “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about “ANTICIPATION.” “Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about “RECEIVING.” “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me “MEDICAL SCIENCE.” “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me “ESP.” “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My father taught me “HUMOR.” “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me “HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.” “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me “GENETICS.” “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my “ROOTS.” “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me “WISDOM.” “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. My father taught me about “JUSTICE.” “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

 *******************************

Quote of the day: “Faith is not about everything turning out ok. It’s about being ok, no matter how things turn out.”

ANON…………….My thanks to Dr. Forrest for sharing this.  CB

ObamaGolf!

WARNING ALL GOLFERS

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1’s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite, or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our Ball Aid department.

(Customer) Ball Aid?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

(Customer) I don’t believe this.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income.

(Customer) (interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a rip off!!

(Receptionist) Actually, sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that, sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf, have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

ANON

Thanks Chris for sharing this. Makes about as much sense as ObamaCare.  CB  

Americans With No Abilities Act!

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing nothing.

ANON        CB

HUMOR FOR THE EDUCATED MIND

Even I have need for a smile every so often, I hope you do?
 
1.    The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.    He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2.     I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
 
3.     She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
4.     A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
5.     No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
 
6.     A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
7.     A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
8.     Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
9.     A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
10.    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
11.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12.    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
 
13.    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
 
14.    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
 
15.    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16.    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17.    A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18.    In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
 
19.    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20.    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .
 
21.   A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
 
22.   Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
 
23.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24.   Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
 
25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

AN OLD TEXAS STORY

A Texan accidentally ran a stop sign and got pulled over by a local policeman.

He provides the cop with his drivers license, insurance papers and his Concealed Carry Permit (CCW).

The cop said, “Okay, Mr. Smith, I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today”?

Mr. Smith replied, “Yes I am”.

“Well then, you better tell me what you are carrying?”

Smith says, “Well I have a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There is a 9mm semi-automatic in the glove box. I have a .22 magnum in my right boot.”

“Okay” the cop says. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That about it.”

The cop says, “Are you on the way to a gun range….?”

Smith says, “Nope.

The cop then says, “What are you afraid of?”

Smith responds, “Not a thing in the world.”

THIS IS FUNNY

 THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC
 A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a  mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. 
 
 When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed
 the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score     of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” 
 
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
 

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